Conservative car review: 2014 Chevrolet Cruze Diesel

2014 Chevrolet Cruze Diesel. Funny, you don't look like a bad idea...

2014 Chevrolet Cruze Diesel. Funny, you don’t look like a bad idea…

Socialism wrapped in an American flag

by Philip Uvschidt

I love diesels. I’d have one in my pickup truck if Uncle Obama didn’t need so much of my tax money to give to the illegals and welfare cheats who elected him.

But diesels in cars are ridiculous, and the new Chevrolet Cruze Diesel proves that beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Diesel cars are popular in Europe, mostly because of massive tax breaks on diesel fuel provided by socialist governments. (Liberals will point out that diesel fuel is cheaper to produce, so the governments must be helping out the Big Oil interests that got them elected. Everywhere you look, there’s a conspiracy!) With gas at ten bucks a gallon, those Europeans need all the help they can get. Hey, someone’s got to pay for socialized medicine, so why not drivers? Cars are dangerous, you know.

So what you have is a continent full of tiny, smelly cars that make lots of noise and would get obliterated in a collision with anything bigger than a Taurus. That’s why they don’t sell them here.

General Motors tried selling diesels back in the 1970s. They were slow and noisy and smelly and terrible. After a few years GM gave up and concentrated on gasoline engines, and to good effect. Today, there are plenty of tin boxes that get 40 MPG on the highway. Personally, I prefer my 18 MPG Ford F-150, only because I don’t want my family to get flattened by some idiot feminist in her two-ton minivan. But what do I know, I’m just a selfish conservative, right?

2014_cruzediesel_engThe Cruze Diesel shows what a massive improvement American ingenuity can make, even with a bad idea like diesel cars. Its 2-liter engine puts out 151 horsepower, but it also makes 264 lb-ft of torque, and can overboost up to 280 lb-ft for short periods of time. That’s as much torque as the first pickup I ever owned!

With all that power, the Cruze is quick. But it’s also noisy and unrefined. It shakes at idle and it rattles like a nattering liberal at low speeds. Yes, the EPA estimates are pretty good: 27 MPG city and 46 MPG highway. But who would be willing to put up with all the noise for an extra few MPG? Not to mention the extra $2,400 tacked on to the sticker price. (Answer: A liberal who thinks we are going to run out of oil.)

I’ve heard that the Volkswagen Jetta diesel is more refined but I’d never buy a one because it’s made in Mexico. (Sorry hombre, but if Pedro wants my money, he can sneak across the border and sign up for welfare like the rest of his family.)

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the Chevrolet Cruze Diesel; it’s a solid American-made car, as good as or better than any import out there. But there’s nothing wrong with the gasoline-powered Cruze either, and if I was going to risk my God-fearing neck in a small car, that’s what I’d buy.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

The diesel engine is just another silly idea from socialist Europe intended to appeal to the so-called “progressives.” The sooner Chevrolet drops this ridiculous bit of leftie pandering, the better.

CopyRIGHT © 2013 Driving On The Right. All RIGHTs reserved… and protected by Smith & Wesson.

Advertisements

Conservative car review: 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage

2014 Mitsubishi Mirage

2014 Mitsubishi Mirage. Who are they trying to appeal to with this color, hmmm?

The perfect grocery-getter for a Liberal Utopia

by Philip Uvschidt

Most car fans are familiar with the Lada, the official car of the Soviet Union. Under communism, there was no need for individual choice — just one little crap-box for all of the “comrades” to drive.

Ask a liberal what kind of car he likes best, and he’ll describe something that’s small, affordable, space efficient, and fuel efficient. Something that doesn’t use up too much resources or take up too much space. A car that’s kind to everyone and that you can afford on a welfare paycheck. (It doesn’t have to run well; the more it breaks down, the more work there is for the blue-collar classes.)

In other words, he wants a Lada.

That’s why liberals are going to LOVE the new Mitsubishi Mirage, an undersized, underpowered, uninteresting appliance of a car that can barely get out of its own way. But it’s kind to the environment, thanks to an 1.2 liter three-cylinder engine that cranks out just 74 horsepower. We prefer our cars with 300 or more, but any good liberal will tell you that 74 is enough for anybody. Besides, this little puppy is EPA-rated at 37 MPG city and 44 MPG highway, so it uses precious little of our supposedly dwindling oil supplies. (Never mind that we could simply DRILL FOR MORE.)

74 horsepower is adequate... for a sewing machine.

74 horsepower is adequate… for a sewing machine.

I timed the Mirage’s 0-60 run at an agonizing 15 seconds, about twice as long as it takes in the Ford F-150 pickup that serves as my daily driver. To my mind, that makes the Mirage downright dangerous for driving on the freeway. It’s fine for liberals, though — so what if their Mirage gets run over by a speeding 18-wheeler driven by a coked-up Mexican? That’s why we have Obamacare.

The Mirage’s ride and handling are downright scary. Its tires are about as wide as the hubcaps on the politically-incorrect Chevy Impala I drove in college*, so it doesn’t like taking turns very quickly. All the more reason for Obama to bring back the 55 MPH speed limit, right?

* That’s right, lefties, not all of us Conservatives are uneducated hicks from Bangyersister, Mississippi.

Inside, the Mirage is a liberal’s dream: Acres of boring black and gray plastic. No leather, no wood trim, none of the trappings of wealth, because personal achievement is bad. We’re all equally worthless in the socialist utopia.

I found the front seats slightly undersized, but then again, I’m slightly overweight… sorry, I’m a fitness-challenged American. Once the Obama administration makes sugared soda and fatty desserts illegal, I’m sure I’ll fit just fine. Mitsubishi says the Mirage will seat five, but I don’t think the back seat is nearly big enough for a family. No matter, that’s why we have Roe vs. Wade.

This is all the luxury you need, comrade.

This is all the luxury you need, comrade.

Mitsubishi offers the Mirage in several bright colors, including purple. Purple?? Oh, no, they’re not pandering to the liberal left at all.

And of course, the Mirage isn’t built in America, because no self-respecting liberal would buy an American car. Instead it’s built in Thailand, where the workers get to keep maybe $3 of the Mirage’s $12,995 price tag. Wouldn’t want them to develop a taste for wealth, now would we?

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT

The Mirage is the perfect car for a socialist world: No comfort, no luxury, no driving fun, just simple, fuel-efficient, utilitarian transportation. Liberals may love it, but until Obama takes away our pickup trucks and Cadillacs, I’ll skip it.

CopyRIGHT © 2013 Driving On The Right. All RIGHTs reserved… and protected by Smith & Wesson.