An American Icon on the Road to Socialism
By Phil Uvschidt
Oh, that Obama. He sure is one sneaky little bastard! I could almost admire the guy, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s trying to ruin our country, destroy democracy, take away our freedoms, imprison our minds, and relegate our God-given American way of life to the junkyard of history. The lefty liberals may be clueless and stupid, but I can see why they love him.
Take the new 2015 Ford Mustang EcoBoost, a perfect example of what our first foreign-born President is trying to do to America.
Now, we all know that Obama would love to ruin—sorry, I mean run—the car industry the same way as his socialist idols in the tax haven of Europe. Over there, cars are taxed based on engine displacement. If you want a real engine, you’ll have to pay, comrade. That’s why most of them drive socialist shitboxes with sewing-machine motors.
Now, Fauxbama is smart enough to know he could never get away with that kind of thing here in the US. He may be trying to make us give up our God-given rights to own guns and have our kids pray in school, but he knows he could never stop real Americans from buying real cars.
Unlike Obama, I can prove that I was born in this country, and if I want my wife and kid to drive around in a giant nine-seat SUV that gets eight miles per gallon, well, that’s my privilege. And if she happens to run a red light and annihilate a family of greenies in their tiny little Prius, too bad. That’s what they get for listening to Alvin “I Invented the Internet” Gore and his band of merry global-warming sensationalists. Maybe they should have bought a proper full-size American car, because last time I checked, the glaciers are still there and the winters are just as cold as they were when I was a boy.
Real cars require real displacement, and Barack Hussein Osama knows he ain’t going to change that.
So instead, the devious little occupier-in-chief is taking away cylinders.
Look at the evidence, people. Volkswagen and Audi used to sell 12-cylinder cars in America, but they are gone. Same for Ford’s V10. And more and more cars—and I don’t just mean those little pinko European jobs, I’m talking real American-made cars—are dropping V6s in favor of dinky little four-cylinder engines with turbochargers that are bound to go bad every 40,000 miles, like the one on my uncle’s 1983 Chrysler 600.
Look back through your old car magazines (assuming you’re not a liberal who refuses to buy good old paper magazines because, oh no, they kill trees! Idiots, why do they think God made them grow so big, so fast? Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us humans used to be monkeys, and before that pond slime… oh, wait) and you’ll see that all of these engines disappeared during the Obama administration, or in the years immediately before.
Obama, you magnificent bastard! I read your book!
If this isn’t the work of the Chicago Charlatan, I don’t know what is. He knows he can’t tax away our displacement, so he’s found a way to make those extra cylinders illegal. I don’t know how he’s done it, I don’t know how it would even be legally possible, but I do know there is no depth to which ObaMao will not sink. Somehow, he’s pulled it off. I told you he was a sneaky little bastard!
Obamalamadingdong’s latest effort is to mess with the all-new Ford Mustang. The one I just had for a test drive had a 2.3 liter four-cylinder engine. Wait a minute, isn’t that the same engine found in the crappy little Mustang II from the 1970s? Oh, no, say the Ford people. This is an EcoBoost engine, they say, and it’s every bit as good as a V8. 310 horsepower, 310 ft-lbs of torque, and 0-60 in 5.5 seconds. they say, just like a V8.
Oh, Ford. And here I had hoped that because you didn’t take funny money from the government, Obama could avoid getting his left-handed claws into you. How wrong I was.
Does the new EcoBoost Mustang really perform as good as one with a real V8? I wouldn’t know. I started up the Mustang, and instead of a booming V8 burble, all I heard was a lame little four-cylinder fart. That may sound good to all those “import tuners” (most of whom seem to be imports themselves, if you know what I mean), but I’m an American, and when we’ve come to the point where my daily-driver pickup truck sounds better than a Mustang, it’s clear that the American way of life is in serious danger.
I was so disgusted by what the Community-Organizer-in-Chief had done to the Mustang that I didn’t even bother to drive it. I just shut it off and left it in my driveway. Ford apologized profusely and offered to send over a 5.0 liter V8 Mustang in its place, but I told them not to bother. If Ford is going to go send one of America’s great cars down Chairman Obama’s Golden Road to Communism, I sure as hell ain’t going along for the ride.
DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:
This is just another attempt by the Stalinists of the American left to control how you drive and convince you that there are “environmentally-friendly” (read: Socialist) alternatives to real cars. DON’T BELIEVE IT—this is just another Liberal Lie and an attempt to fool Conservatives who aren’t as well informed as they should be. Thanks, Ford, but I’ll buy a Dodge Challenger or a Chevrolet Camaro. Maybe they took government money, but at least they haven’t let Barak Ilyich Obama screw up the last of their real American cars.
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