Conservative Car Review: 2014 Cadillac CTS VSport

2014 Cadillac CTS VSport: Caddy outside, Apple inside

2014 Cadillac CTS VSport: Caddy outside, Apple inside

A Conservative brand moves to the Left lane

by Philip Uvschidt

I was really looking forward to testing the all-new 2014 Cadillac CTS VSport. 420 horsepower, rear-wheel-drive, made in America: This promised to be a REAL Cadillac, the likes of which I haven’t seen since my great-uncle Carmine got drunk and drove his 1975 Sedan de Ville into the pond at the sewage treatment plant.

So I hopped in behind the wheel, and then I saw the CUE system… and I hopped out again.

CUE is Cadillac’s new “infotainment” system. (You gotta love these new Liberal words. Why can’t we just have a stereo, like I do in my Ford F-150?) It uses a touch screen and a capacitive-touch panel that can sense the presence of your fingertips. If this was a typical Liberal blog I’d talk about all the amazing technology it takes to make this work, but since I’m a cut-to-the-chase Conservative, I’ll tell you that it’s a ridiculously over-complicated piece of crap. What ever happened to good old-fashioned mechanical buttons, switches and sliders? They were good enough for Uncle Carmine, and they’re good enough for me. But apparently, they’re not good enough for Cadillac.I guess that means that Conservatives like us are not good enough for Cadillac.

Worse yet, Cadillac’s model for the touch-screen system is the Apple iPad.

Take a moment and let that sink in: General Motors, which used to be one of the suit-and-tie bastions of the conservative business world, is now taking their guidance from the underpaid grungy t-shirt-wearing socialists at APPLE, a company so far to the left it’s a wonder they don’t fall into the Pacific ocean.

Cadillac CUE: Why have buttons when we can Obama-ize your life?

Cadillac CUE: Why have buttons when we can Obama-ize your life?

Did we all get stupid all of a sudden? Apple is NOT some great democracy that delivers what the people want. Apple is run by folk hero Steve Jobs (sorry, was run by Steve Jobs; I bet his followers were shocked to learn he wasn’t immortal) who treated the entire tech industry as if it was his own Communist empire. He designed whatever he thought was cool and then sat back and counted the cash as his cultie customers declared it the Best Thing Ever and tripped all over themselves to pay twice market value for it.  (If that isn’t a parallel for Comrade Obama and his brainwashed Liberal supporters, I don’t know what is.)

Well, screw that. I’m perfectly happy with my Windows computer. Sure, I have to deal with viruses and trojans and pop-ups and blue screens and crashes, but even with the money I pay in computer repairs, I bet I’m still spending less than I would for a Liberal Crapintosh. And so what if I can’t play Angry Birds on my flip phone? I’d rather shoot real birds with real guns, and that’s just what I’m going to do until Sheik Barack Hussen Al-Obama pries my Colt M1911 out of my cold, dead fingers.

But I digress.

It appears that Cadillac has drank the Apple-flavored Kool-Aid, because they’re putting this over-complicated iPad-clone in all of their cars. That’s all I need: Some lawsuit-happy AFL-CIO trial lawyer, his head buried in the CUE system as he tries to tune his radio to Keepin’ It Real With Al Sharpton, is going to plow into my F-150, and then sue me for driving a solid chunk of Detroit iron that made his Cadillac crumple like a discarded cigarette pack. And then he’ll probably file a class-action lawsuit against General Motors, from which he’ll make thirty million dollars while each of the plaintiffs get a Starbuck’s card worth $1.68, and then he’ll donate half of that money to get the 22nd Amendment repealed so he and his cronies can appoint King Obama to a 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th term.

And all because Cadillac won’t use gosh-danged buttons for the gosh-danged stereo in their gosh-danged CTS.

Two turbos means twice the trouble

Two turbos means twice the trouble

I was so disgusted with CUE that I didn’t even bother to drive the CTS. I wouldn’t buy one anyway; two turbochargers means twice the trouble. Come on Cadillac, stop pandering to the politboro Obama Administration and put a big-block V8 engine with a four-barrel carburetor in the CTS. The Communist-in-Chief can’t enforce 54.1 MPG CAFE if we refuse to go along with it.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT

The 2014 Cadillac CTS Vsport is proof of why the Liberal Agenda is doomed to fail. Why complicate our lives with touch-screen “infotainment”, twin-turbo engines, gay marriage and women’s rights? Let’s get back to the cars and the values that made America great. Bring back the 1975 Sedan de Ville! (But not Uncle Carmine’s, it probably smells pretty bad by now.)

CopyRIGHT © 2013 Driving On The Right. All RIGHTs reserved… and protected by Smith & Wesson.

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